Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Text me some of your sweat
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
