Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Randomize
