Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
