two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
