My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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