I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
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