can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
