Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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