I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
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