I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
