My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
