I want to make a zoo with you.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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