My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
