I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
