My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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