i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
