Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
