All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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