My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
