How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
