im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
