Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
