I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
