Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
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