i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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