foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
