I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
