i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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