Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I just had sex on a roof
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
