i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I could fuck to npr.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
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