i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
