Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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