I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
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