Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
