I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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