woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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