Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
