I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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