Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
