I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
