Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
