im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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