Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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