so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
