so that wasnt chicken after all
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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