so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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