Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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