i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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