I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
