my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
