I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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