She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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