There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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