I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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