yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
